The Gift
by Iron Angel 80
Summary: Delve into the darkeness of Jasper's mind after his near attack on Bella the night of her birthday.


The Gift

Disclaimer: Own nothing, the wonderful characters I like to play with belong to others more talented (and richer) than myself.

This is my take on what happened the night of Bella's birthday party from Jasper's point of view.

I sat in the corner of my sparsely lit bedroom. I was sprawled in a ratty armchair that Alice playfully referred to as my 'Brooding Chair'. She could joke about it, but she hated to see me sitting in it, hated to see me plucking away on my guitar. She would probably like to hear me play if I did it when I was in a good mood, but the only time I picked it up was when I was in a poor mood, and I was in a black mood now.

The entire house was bustling, everyone busy packing what they needed. We were leaving in the morning – fleeing Forks because of me and what I had done. I was beyond disgusted with myself. I had tried to kill her! I had smelled one drop of blood – from a paper cut no less, and I had tried to kill her. I wanted her blood, and I was going to rip apart anyone who stood between me and her sweet, delicious nectar. I would have fought Emmett and Rosalie, Edward and everyone else, and the only thing that stopped me was seeing Alice crouched between my prey and me, and she was hissing at me. That was the only thing that stopped me enough to let Em and Rose push me out the door – my Alice ready to defend Bella from me.

I had the stereo playing softly behind me. It was a CD I borrowed from Edward. I didn't usually like this type of music, but the strong lyrics called to me when I heard him listening to it one evening, and I had to borrow it. It was now one of my favorite CD's and I never bothered returning it to him. Alice didn't like it much, probably because like the guitar, I only listened to it when I was upset – when I felt weak. There was just something about the angry and self-deprecating music that I could relate to. Edward wasn't the only one who escaped in music.

I could feel the moods of everyone in the house, they surrounded me in a thick fog that I could not escape. There was Carlisle's and Esme's remorse, they loved Bella like she was one of us, and were hurt that they now had to leave and never see her again. We would have been moving by the end of the school year regardless, but no one wanted to leave now, because of this. Emmett was a little more easy going about it, he liked Bella enough, but didn't want to see her hurt. Rosalie was being terribly smug about the whole thing, like it was Bella's fault because she was human and I was weak. Rose could be an insufferable harpy at the best of times, and when she was like this, I wanted to physically harm her. Her vile jealousy of Bella was like a disease.

It was a good thing that Edward wasn't home, I didn't think I could handle his turmoil. He was heartbroken, having to say goodbye to the one person he'd ever connected with. His love for Bella was almost as fierce as my love for Alice, if they had had more time, it would have been just as strong. But Edward's decision to leave Bella human put her in danger, and he saw that now.

I continued to pluck away at the strings in time with the music, embellishing some of the parts. I could sense Alice downstairs. She was giving me space, but would come up to check on me soon. Alice was distraught over the whole thing. She loved Bella like a sister, and having to leave her behind was physically painful for her. And it was my fault – all my fault. It was my fault we were leaving, it was my fault Alice and Edward were in pain, it was my fault I was weak. I could only hope that Bella's feeble human emotions would save her the anguish that Edward and Ali were going to suffer. Humans just weren't strong enough to bear the gravity of vampire emotions and I feared that Edward may not pull through. When something moves one of our kind like that, it's hard to adjust to the way things were before. When I first met Alice, I was depressed and alone and angry. Her smiling pixie face, and the care she felt for me – a stranger – was like a golden fleece she wore. She was the sun, and I was a blind man seeing the light for the first time. I couldn't survive without her now. She was the only reason I was here, why I abstained from human blood even thought my desires urged me to take what I wanted. She was the reason why I stayed where I didn't belong, because she belonged here. This is where she wanted to be and I was going to do whatever I had to, to make sure that she had what she wanted. I didn't deserve her, or more to the point, she didn't deserve me. She should have someone who was stronger, someone who wouldn't slip and fail again and again. Someone she didn't have to reassure, to say '_it's okay_' to. She shouldn't have to look into my blood-red eyes or smell the blood on my breath, she deserved so much more than me.

The CD was churning out a favorite self-pity song of mine. The artist's smoky and harsh voice was raw with emotion. Although the lyrics didn't come close to describing the self-loathing and utter disgust I felt towards myself.

I picked my head up. Alice was climbing the stairs and worry and pain were clouding her. I hated being the reason behind it. One of the reasons I was so strongly attached to her at first was because of her unconquerable spirit. I fed off it like a drug addict, needing it more and more with each passing day until I realized I'd never be able to leave her side again. And it was because of this fact that I put myself through the torture of vegetarianism. Why I bothered with drinking the blood of disgusting animals, why I suffered with my abominable thirst. I hated being the weakest link in the family. The others weren't affected like I was, they didn't lapse as much as I did. In the last fifty years that Ali and I have been with them, the only ones who fell were Emmett once, and my nine times. Four the first year we lived with them – I'd thought they were going to ask us to leave, but Esme and Carlisle loved Alice so much that they forgave me each time and we would just move again. Edward had his reservations towards me, but he too was under Alice's spell. Rosalie just liked feeling superior over someone, it was an emotion as ugly as her vanity. And Emmett just shrugged off every incident. I was truly lucky to have a brother like Emmett. I hadn't had a slip in seven years, and I almost lost it tonight.

The bedroom door opened and Alice ducked in, shutting it silently behind her. I put my guitar down, leaning it against the side of the tattered armchair. Alice ghosted across the floor and climbed into my lap. Instinctively, my arms went around her, though I couldn't look her in the eyes, ashamed to see the pain in them. She placed cool hands on my cheeks, and when I still wouldn't meet her gaze, she started to pepper my face with butterfly-light kisses. I didn't deserve her. I messed up, everything was my fault and she was trying to console _me_. My repulsion with myself hit a new low.

'It's okay Jazz,' Alice whispered between kisses. 'We'll be leaving within the hour. I've already called Tanya, we'll be in Denali by this time tomorrow.' I couldn't answer her so instead I said nothing. 'Carlisle and Esme will be a day or two behind us, and Emmett and Rosalie decided they want to take a road trip across Canada, and then maybe go on another honeymoon. They haven't decided where yet but Em wants to go hunting lions.' She was trying to lighten the severity of the evening. Pushing aside her own grief in an attempt to make me feel better, like this had been planned out beforehand and my near attack on Bella was inconsequential.

'And Edward?' I choked out.

'He needs a day or two to set everything in motion,' she whispered, grief thickening her voice. I knew that Alice would not have the closure of saying goodbye to Bella. Another knot of guilt settled in my dead chest.

'What do you see, Alice?' I whispered, resting my forehead against her frail shoulder.

'I'm not sure, everything is really fuzzy.'

She was lying, and she knew that I knew she was lying. I had a sudden and clear sense of what the future held for my adoptive family. They would survive, but a piece of them would forever be damaged by the hole that was Bella's absence. Edward would suffer, and he would burn for the rest of his existence. And Alice, my beautiful Alice, would hide her pain to protect me.

I did not deserve her. Her love for me was a gift to great to bear.

A/N: Hope you all liked this one. In case you were wondering, the song Jasper is listening to is Seether's 'The Gift' I was listening to it the other day and thought how much the song suited him, and this story just popped into my head, begging to be written. So a big thank you goes out to Seether for being a kick-ass band and a great muse. Try reading this story while playing the song, it works. Hoping to have an up-date for Edward's Wedding Jitters by next weekend. Till then, don't forget to leave a review to feed the machine. Many thanks for everyone who added Jitters to their favorites/alerts.

A/N 2: All these hits and no reviews? _Ouch._ Is it that bad?


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